Have you heard about the female orgasm?
(Wryan Castleberry / The Advocate)
The female orgasm is not a mystic unicorn waiting to be found.
Put down your latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine because that overtly complicated position to reach your "g-spot" is not the key to your pleasure.
In fact, I think we may have put too much pressure on men to help us reach orgasm.
Sure, I've had my share of men who think, "Well, maybe if I give it to her hard enough and play with her nipples, it should work (it doesn't)."
I can't count how many times I have spoken to girlfriends who say they "think" they had an orgasm with their partner.
When you have an orgasm, you just know; your body tenses up, you scream, your mind rushes as you let go and you just want to fall asleep.
There is a scene in "When Harry Met Sally" at Katz Delicatessen in which Meg Ryan proves to Billy Crystal just how easy it is for women to fake their orgasms.
She proceeds to make moaning noises at the restaurant and screams, "Oh god! Right there!" to prove her point.
Unfortunately, in most cases, it's true.
We know that you're trying, so we try not to kill your ego.
In the 10 years I have been "getting it" on the regular, it has only been three years since I have truly discovered what it's like to have an orgasm through intercourse.
According to the Kinsey Institute, women are more likely to have an orgasm alone than with a partner.
Which brings me to my first solution - masturbation.
Don't put the burden of discovering what gets you off on your partner.
You can't expect him to just know where to go unless you know the right spots.
Think of it as intrapersonal communication.
Masturbation is just a way to communicate your sexual wants and needs to yourself. That in turn, builds your interpersonal communication skills with your partner and leads him to all areas that need attention.
Again, it is not just the male's responsibility to keep you going.
Reaching the peak requires an ego boost.
I've been in situations where I can't seem to get any pleasure because I'm too busy thinking about my fat jiggling on my belly while my legs are in the air or how my butt looks when he's behind me.
I had to learn how to accept myself.
The first time I had sex with my most recent ex-boyfriend, I literally looked at myself in the mirror and told myself, "Damn girl, you look hot tonight."
And as cheesy as it may be, it worked.
I even did squats and jumping jacks to get myself pumped up with adrenaline.
Do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself.
If you think about it, you would not be in the bedroom, kissing with your clothes off, if he weren't interested in the first place.
I've learned that once he sees you naked, no matter what body issues you have with yourself, he isn't going to run away.
Unless of course, you say or do something awkward like mention the size of his penis in a non-flattering way.
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