Polite attitude makes citations avoidable

You're stopped on the side of the road. Your window's down, your license is ready and the cop behind you just popped his door open.

He's about to strut over and write you a ticket for pushing 40 in a 25 mph zone. That'll cost about $400 plus sitting through traffic school. Doesn't he know you're late for class? Hasn't he noticed everyone speeds on San Pablo Dam Road?

You clench your jaw, ball your fists and feel your frustration bubbling. Just because this guy's got a badge shouldn't give him the power to degrade you. This is America and you have the right to give him a piece of your mind, right?

Freeze.

I wouldn't call myself a pro at dodging tickets until my record stands at 10-0, but I feel I'm off to a good start to offer some advice.

Right off the bat, be calm when dealing with an officer. For all he knows, you have a bomb strapped to your chest, so acting aggressive will irritate him. Bottom line is you've broken the law and got caught. Suck it up, get over yourself and smile.

It doesn't matter if your cousin was gunned down for shoplifting and no one cares that your favorite band is N.W.A. He's doing his job and now it's in your best interest to be polite.

Don't think that because you're a male you're hopeless. With that attitude, write the ticket yourself, fellas. I have a hunch that a cop pulling someone over for flaunting 10 or so mph is bored. He's looking for either an ego boost or a good laugh. Girls are lucky to potentially provide both, but guys out there still have a chance.

I've been told that you should never admit anything to an officer, but don't see that as tactful. When he asks you how fast you were going, humbly confess a number reasonably near what you were driving. He already knows you were speeding; lying is just going to make him angry. Keeping mum about the dead body in your trunk is a good idea, but divulge the petty crime.

Once you admit to your flagrant disregard of others' safety in an appropriately apologetic manner, he'll ask you to remind him of the speed limit. Again, don't lie and don't act dumb. He may feel he should write the ticket to be sure you understand what those numbered signs on the side of the road are.

After this, cops often like to ask why you chose to ignore said signs. Because of your correct answers so far, he can tell you're a smart person, so why were you breaking the law? He isn't looking for your average excuse here. I suggest using your imagination.

True, this is almost like lying, but remember my hypothesis about this guy being bored? Here's your chance to jazz things up. You want to make him laugh. Once you've coaxed a chuckle, tell him you're sorry and you'll slow down. If you've been as friendly as I hope, he'll believe you. He'll scan your license, and as long as you're not wanted for a bank heist, he'll be reluctant to write that ticket.

The last time I got pulled over for speeding, I fished a week-old Gatorade bottle from underneath the seat and told the officer my bladder was about to explode. He laughed and wished me luck getting home in time.

I once watched someone send a cop into fits of giggles (manly ones, of course) by regaling him with a tale about his ambition to appear in an episode of "COPS." Just imagine what you'd like to hear if you were stuck in your car all day.

Now, if you're not funny, crying can work. The first time I was pulled over I could barely answer the officer through my sniffles. Once he ascertained I wasn't drunk, he let me go.

However, if for some reason you are greatly attached to all that bravado and dignity (or you're a robot with broken tear ducts and no sense of humor), there is hope. Just be as genial as that titanium heart allows, stay honest and act repentant. Even if you do end up with the ticket, at least that smart mouth didn't get you shot.

Cassidy Gooding is a staff writer for The Advocate. Contact her at cgooding.advocate@gmail.com.